50 ways to annoy Nimueh
by yaoifangirlHolly
Summary: My last one of these for now, until an interesting character appears in series two that I want to do a 50 ways for.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin or any of the characters.**

**50 Ways to Annoy Nimueh**

Introduce her to other people as "Bionic woman".

Tell her that her role as a thief was quite two dimensional and the Doctor was only nice to her because she's pretty.

Say to her "Will Merlin and Arthur's secret relationship be discovered? Will Nimueh ever manage to beat Merlin? Dum-dum-du-du-du-dum..." then break into the Eastenders' theme tune.

Tell her that the cloth on her head look really doesn't suit her.

Remind her constantly that Merlin doesn't fancy her, he was just a sucker for a damsel in distress.

Ask her why she goes to complicated lengths of poisoning the water and goblets and resurrecting dead knights when she could have just blasted Merlin with a fire ball from the start.

Tell her that sexing up her look won't work, Merlin prefers blondes.

Bring the words "I hope it pleases you" into every conversation you have with her.

Say to her "For such a smart sorceress you could have thought of something more original than dropping what you were carrying in front of Merlin..."

Ask her if she's ever kissed Uther.

Imitate her by standing in front of a cauldron filled with water, cackling and saying "Merlin's virginity will be mine!" Resume cackling.

Tell her the "evil look of witchy glee" really doesn't suit her.

Tell her you know that she did secretly like Merlin in that hat.

Pat on her on the back and say "There, there, it's not that bad being an outsider is it?" Then ask her if she wants you to get her a dragon for company.

Make sure she is within earshot when you say to Gwen – "And that's what happens when you don't fall in love and get married...you end up bitter and twisted like Nimueh."

Ask her if she wants Uther dead, why doesn't she just do it the old fashioned way and stab him in the middle of the night?

Ask her, if she said it wasn't Arthur's destiny to die at her hand, why did she try to kill him in the first place with the spiders?

Replace all her red dresses with demure white ones.

"Accidentally" send her letters Uther has written about how much he is enjoying executing sorcerers and sorceresses.

For added effect after 19), send Nimueh an invitation to come to one of the executions of a sorcerer or sorceress.

Ask her if she's a lesbian. When she says no, and asks why you would think that, point out that she got Arthur alone in a cave and didn't try to get him to have sex with her. She also had the opportunity to get Merlin alone and also didn't try anything with him. Therefore she MUST be a lesbian.

Take her to her cauldron and start using it to cook food, and show her how to prepare nice dishes.

Dance around her singing "You killed the queen! You killed the queen!"

Tell her that "the prince and the servant boy" is much better than "the servant boy and the evil witch" and warn her to stay away from Merlin or you'll get the dragon to eat her.

Ask her if she's ever considered a career in drama, since she's so good at acting.

Secretly stick toilet paper underneath her shoes just before she's next due to see Uther.

Bound up to her and say "So! How's the old revenge-exacting coming along, Nimueh?"

Thank her for appearing to have killed Gaius. No, not because you're impressed by her magic but because it meant that Merlin got to say "You should not have killed my friend" in a really cool sounding way.

Tell her she should have known that poisoning Merlin wasn't going to work. Why? "Because Arthur's going to give him True Love's kiss to revive him, silly!"

Ask her if her least favourite way to die would be to be blown up after being struck by lightning. Why? "Oh, no reason..." *shifty eyes*

Ask her if she even has a heart.

Tell her she's an appalling actor and the only reason Arthur didn't notice how unconvincing her "I can show you" with an evil smile was, was because he was too busy thinking about his shag with Merlin last night/too busy looking at her breasts.

Tell her you prefer Morgana's clothes to hers. "But then, she does have Uther buying them all for her, while she luxuriates in her wealth and comfort in Camelot..."

Shave off her eyebrows while she sleeps.

Put a witch's hat and broom in her lair and decorate everything Halloween style.

Tell her if she wants power she should just get Arthur to fall in love with her. Then go – "Oh, wait, he already has his father's ward, his father's ward's maid, his servant boy and a knight in love with him..."

Stick a sign that reads "spinster" on her back.

Smile at her and say "I guess you don't need a man to be sexy and independent...I mean, just look at...Morgana."

Comment on the fact that Morgana actually came closer to killing Uther than she did.

Tell her she should have poisoned both goblets like Anhora did then she'd have all her bases covered.

Make up your own story about her and spread it around Camelot – "Once upon a time there was a sweet girl called Nimueh. Rejected by Uther for her tendency to dress in sexual red dresses, oh, and for killing his wife, she roamed the land, seeking out innocent servant boys and princes to seduce..."

Get the dragon to breathe fire on her hair and singe it all off.

Tell her you know all she needs is a good shag. Offer her the most boring, pimply knight you can find.

Place an advertisement somewhere she will find it – "King, middle aged but still good looking, one son, seeks young dark haired sorceress for bedroom fun."

Tell her to stop imitating Merlin and Arthur, they wore red first.

Ask her if she likes slash. If she says no, say "Well, tough, you're surrounded by it."

Tell her she's got lipstick on her face. When she asks where, say "On your lips of course." Repeat this, and get others to do it too.

Have a huge party for all the sorcerers and sorceresses and don't invite her.

Tell her you know all about her and Uther, but refuse to elaborate.

Ask her if she's jealous of Morgana's "close" relationship with Uther.


End file.
